THE BEST IS YET TO COME!

“It was the best of times, it was the worst of times..”- Charles Dickens

That was my 2024.. in that order and though I’m grateful in every sense, I do wonder at times, if it needed to be that hard.

Though the year started off good with Deepak’s birthday, we were hit by a tragedy right away when my grandmother passed away in January followed by Deepak’s grandmother who left us the very next week.

It was around March- April we felt a bit stabilized when our family came to stay with us for some time post which Deepak and I went to London. I had childlike excitement throughout the trip as it was my first international trip.

Surrounded with good friends and family, I never minded a few hiccups here and there (in hindsight) and we had a somewhat smooth sail through the year.

Around November I found out that I was pregnant. Deepak and I were as happy as our baby was going to be.. While, the journey was slightly difficult as it was a totally unexplored arena, we were thoroughly enjoying it taking utmost care at every step.

Halfway into November, Deepak had a major injury and had to get stitches which rendered him unable to walk without severe pain, and rushing between office and doctors’ visit became slightly overwhelming.

Our focus at that point, was getting him better but little did we know my health would deteriorate severely and I would need to be hospitalized.

It had started to feel disheartening and draining by then, for both of us, physically, emotionally & mentally.. I was lying in hospital while Deepak was managing as much as he could with his injury.. We still tried to keep our best foot forward for each other and for the baby as well.. We wanted to keep a positive outlook and we tried our best at all times!

It never works that way though, right? We did everything but we still lost the baby. And though I want to say that we have taken time to deal with it, I can’t as we had to focus so much on dealing with the physical pain of it first, we just kept going on after then.

With so much going around, sometimes it got too much as we were dealing with something we’d never dealt with before and it made me question everything I did from the perspective of right and wrong which is wrong in itself as there’s no guideline and all that really mattered was us and how we felt. We just needed to take care of ourselves and though the storm would calm down eventually.. the internal dilemma was mind numbing still.

I’d often joke with Deepak that once all this is over, I’d say, ”maut ko chhoo kar takk se wapas aaya”.

I had joined office only week after it had happened just so my mind would be too occupied to over-think anything else but boy was I wrong!

I observed that I didn’t show any signs of duress… so I started worrying if work matters more to me than all that had happened, if so then is it wrong? Or what if I’m bottling it all up because I don’t want to show any weakness only for it to come out later in wrong ways.. Or worst.. what if it actually isn’t that big of a deal.. wouldn’t that make me a psychopath? I would keep trying to show how strong I was but if anyone would not mention or make a deal out of it, I’d get frustrated.

So many innumerable questions and second guesses would continually float in my mind and it was getting more and more difficult to deal with those thoughts than the actual tragedy itself.

I tried writing it out, talking to people, meditating, crying, whatever I could think of, just so I’d get some peace, clarity and would be able to sleep at night afterall as sleep eluded me and I knew how desperately I needed it.

But finally, when nothing helped me, I let it go.. and by letting it go I mean I gave up. I stopped analysing my thoughts and behaviour.  If I felt angry, I’d feel it fully, if I was overwhelmed, I’d go to bathroom and cry as much as I needed to, if I felt bad I’d write letters to the baby and if I felt happy, I embraced it with open arms and instead of feeling guilty about it.

Slowly and soon after, whenever I’d have any guesses or doubts, I would just remind myself that something big has happened in my life and it is definitely a defining moment.. now it’s upto me how I want to be defined by it.. whether I want this miscarriage to revolve around me in a way which breaks me or I want to be defined as a person who took this moment and came out stronger.. so much stronger.

And this definition was just for me, I didn’t need anyone’s validation because I’d already tried that and it just left me weaker. So everytime I’d be surrounded by doubts, I would remind myself and carry forward one step at a time with as much grace and courage I could find.

“There is nothing that can take the pain away. But eventually, you will find a way to live with it. There will be nightmares. And every day when you wake up, it will be the first thing you think about. Until one day it will be the second thing.”- Raymond "Red" Reddington (The Blacklist)

And eventually it happened just like that, the insecurities and doubts started to fade and my life stopped revolving around it and moreover I stopped feeling guilty about it.

In the aftermath, it is the second hardest thing I’ve ever dealt with after my father’s death. However, I have also never been more proud for showing up for myself.. and in what a way I did!

No doubt none of it would have been possible without the strong support system I have (for which I’ll be eternally grateful), I never knew I could have such resilience, courage, faith especially when at the receiving end of it.. and for that I count myself at the forefront of the support system.

Do I still wonder if it needed to be that hard? Yes I do sometimes.

What’s happened has happened and while the bittersweet memories are etched forever, I put my best foot forward into 2025, surrounded with family and friends, hoping it brings a lot more peace, wisdom, faith, love, patience, assiduity.. for what it will make of me to have it.

The only way to look at now is forward.. and I do.. with all my faith and conviction.. because I still believe I’m God’s favourite child and the best is yet to come!